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Act I
In front of Castle Bunthorne, a group of "lovesick maidens" are all in love with the aesthetic poet Bunthorne ("Twenty lovesick maidens we"). Lady Jane, the oldest and plainest of them, announces that Bunthorne, far from returning their affections, has his heart set on the simple milkmaid Patience. Patience appears and confesses that she has never loved anyone; she is thankful that love has not turned her miserable as it has them ("I cannot tell what this love may be"). Soon, the ladies' old sweethearts, the 35th Dragoon Guards, appear ("The soldiers of our Queen"), led by Colonel Calverley ("If you Want a Receipt for that Popular Mystery"), Major Murgatroyd, and the ordinary but immensely rich Lieutenant the Duke of Dunstable. They arrive ready to propose marriage, only to discover their intendeds fawning over Bunthorne, who is in the throes of poetical composition, pretending to ignore the attention of the ladies thronging around him ("In a doleful train"). Bunthorne reads his poem and departs, while the officers are coldly rebuffed and mocked by the ladies, who turn up their noses at the sight of their red and yellow uniforms. The Dragoons, reeling from the insult, depart ("When I first put this uniform on").
Bunthorne, left alone, confesses that his aestheticism is a sham and mocks the movement's pretensions ("If you're anxious for to shine"). Seeing Patience, he reveals that, like her, he does not like poetry, but she tells him that she cannot love him. Later, Lady Angela, one of Bunthorne's admirers, explores with Patience the latter's childhood crush ("Long years ago"). Lady Angela rhapsodises upon love as the one truly unselfish pursuit in the world. Impressed by her eloquence, Patience promises to fall in love at the earliest opportunity. Serendipitously, Archibald Grosvenor arrives; he is another aesthetic poet who turns out to be Patience's childhood love. He has grown to be the infallible, widely loved "Archibald the All-Right" ("Prithee, pretty maiden"). The two declare themselves in love but are brought up short by the realisation that as Grosvenor is a perfect being, for Patience to love him would be a selfish act, and therefore not true love; thus, they must part.
Bunthorne, heartbroken by Patience's rejection, has chosen to raffle himself off among his lady followers ("Let the merry cymbals sound"), the proceeds going to charity. The Dragoons interrupt the proceedings, and, led by the Duke, attempt to reason with the ladies ("Your maiden hearts, ah, do not steel"), but the ladies are too busy clamouring for raffle tickets to listen ("Come walk up"). Just as Bunthorne is handing the bag to the unattractive Jane, ready for the worst, Patience interrupts the proceedings and proposes to unselfishly sacrifice herself by loving the poet ("True Love must single-hearted be"). A delighted Bunthorne accepts immediately, and his followers, their idol lost, return to the Dragoons to whom they are engaged ("I hear the soft note of the echoing voice"). All seems resolved until Grosvenor enters and the ladies, finding him poetic, aesthetic, and far more attractive than Bunthorne, become his partisans instead ("Oh, list while we a love confess"), much to the dismay of the Dragoons, Patience, Bunthorne and especially Grosvenor himself.
Act II
Lady Jane, accompanying herself on the cello,[21] laments the passing of the years and expresses hope that Bunthorne will "secure" her before it is too late ("Silvered is the raven hair"). Meanwhile, Grosvenor wearily entertains the ladies ("A magnet hung in a hardware shop") and begs to be given a half-holiday from their cloying attentions. Bunthorne is furious when Patience confesses her affection for Grosvenor; she laments the bitter lesson she has learned about love ("Love is a plaintive song"). Bunthorne longs to regain his former admirers' admiration; Jane offers her assistance ("So go to him, and say to him"). The Dragoon officers attempt to earn their partners' love by appearing to convert to the principles of aestheticism ("It's clear that mediaeval art"). Angela and Saphir are favourably impressed and accept Calverly and Murgatroyd in matrimony; Dunstable graciously bows out ("If Saphir I choose to marry").
Bunthorne threatens Grosvenor with a dire curse unless he undertakes to become perfectly commonplace. Intimidated, and also pleased at the excuse to escape the celebrity caused by his "fatal beauty", Grosvenor agrees ("When I go out of door"). This plot backfires, however, when Grosvenor reappears as an ordinary man; the ladies follow him into ordinariness, becoming "matter-of-fact young girls." Patience realises that Grosvenor has lost his perfection, and so it will no longer be selfish for her to marry him, which she undertakes to do without delay. The ladies, following suit, return to their old fiancés among the Dragoons. In the spirit of fairness, Dunstable chooses the "plain" Lady Jane as his bride for her very lack of appeal. Bunthorne is left with the "vegetable love" that he had (falsely) claimed to desire. Thus, "Nobody [is] Bunthorne's bride."
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