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It is 10 a.m. at the Court of the Exchequer, where a jury and the public assemble to hear a case of breach of promise of marriage.
Engraving of a quaint drawing showing the little round faces of jurymen protruding from a box with the word "Jury" on it in large letters. They gaze up at the usher with cowed expressions while he wags his finger at them.
The Usher advises the jury. Drawing by W. S. Gilbert
The Usher advises the jury to listen to the broken-hearted Plaintiff's case, adding that they "needn't mind" what the "ruffianly defendant" has to say. He notes, for the record, that "From bias free of every kind, this trial must be tried!" The Defendant (Edwin) arrives, and the jurymen greet him with hostility, even though, as he points out, they have as yet no idea of the merits of his case. He candidly tells them that he jilted the Plaintiff because she became a "bore intense" to him, and he then quickly took up with another woman. The jurymen recall their own wayward youth, but as they are now respectable gentlemen they have no sympathy for the Defendant.
The Judge enters with great pomp and describes how he rose to his position – by courting a rich attorney's "elderly, ugly daughter". The rich attorney then aided his prospective son-in-law's legal career until the Judge "became as rich as the Gurneys" and "threw over" the daughter. The jury and public are delighted with the Judge, although he has just admitted to the same wrong of which the Defendant is accused.
The jury is sworn in, and the Plaintiff (Angelina) is summoned. She is preceded into the courtroom by her bridesmaids, one of whom catches the eye of the Judge. However, when Angelina herself arrives in full wedding dress, she instantly captures the heart of both Judge and jury. The Counsel for the Plaintiff makes a moving speech detailing Edwin's betrayal. Angelina feigns distress and staggers, first into the arms of the Foreman of the Jury, and then of the Judge. Edwin counters, explaining that his change of heart is only natural:
Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray,
Though I own that my heart has been ranging,
Of nature the laws I obey,
For nature is constantly changing.
The moon in her phases is found,
The time and the wind and the weather,
The months in succession come round,
And you don't find two Mondays together.
He offers to marry both the Plaintiff and his new love, if that would satisfy everyone. The Judge at first finds this "a reasonable proposition", but the Counsel argues that from the days of James II, it has been "a rather serious crime / To marry two wives at a time"; he labels the crime not "bigamy", but rather "burglary". Perplexed, everyone in court ponders the "nice dilemma" in a parody of Italian opera ensembles.
Angelina desperately embraces Edwin, demonstrating the depth of her love, and bemoans her loss – all in evidence of the large amount of damages that the jury should require Edwin to pay. Edwin, in turn, says he is a smoker, a drunkard, and a bully (when tipsy), and that the Plaintiff could not have endured him even for a day; thus the damages should be small. The Judge suggests making Edwin tipsy to see if he would really "thrash and kick" Angelina, but everyone else (except Edwin) objects to this experiment. Impatient at the lack of progress, the Judge resolves the case by offering to marry Angelina himself. This is found quite satisfactory and the proceedings are concluded with "joy unbounded".
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